


Dreams

by moonstone88



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Heartache, Loss, Lucid Dreaming, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:28:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21859846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonstone88/pseuds/moonstone88
Summary: Set after Rise of Skywalker, so if you haven't seen it don't click because spoilers!Rey is trying to find her place in this new galaxy, this new reality, but what she truly wants is beyond her reach. Can she finally find the home she's craved all her life when her soul has been shattered.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 5
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know I know I know!! wtf am I doing starting something else before I've updated my others....I'm sorry!! but also not sorry. It has now been 16hrs since I watched Rise and I just couldn't not do this. soooooo Once again if you haven't seen the new movie I'd recommend that before this, otherwise dive on in.

Rey really was starting to despise sand, even though she had spent most of her life out in it. Dusting her hands off she looked to BB8 who was communicating with the reconditioned console she had managed to get up and running. Finally, all of the sand was out of the building proper and she could move into house itself instead of living out of her ship. Rose had dropped off a care package a few days before full of essential things and some of the offerings that kept pouring in for Rey.  
After the battle all Rey had wanted was some time to process everything that had happened in such a short span, and she wasn’t going to be able to do that with the rebels. They were no longer rebels after all, they were in the thick of setting up the New Republic and trying to assimilate the assets and people left behind by the first order. They were busy quickly, and the story of her part in the final battle had spread quickly, the last Jedi and what she had done. So many people wanted to thank her, wanted her to lead, but she didn’t want that. Rey had never wanted to be part of any limelight, she had simply wanted a family.  
With a sigh she climbed the steps and headed out across to her ship, the suns would be setting soon and she wanted to have her room set up before that. it was surprising how quickly the temperature dropped here, it had never really cooled on Jakku even at night. When she reached the ship she started by packing up some of the meal prep things she had brought before grabbing the duffle that held her blankets and spare clothing. The idea of sleeping in an actual bed was so appealing, especially since she had gone through so much effort that day to set up her room.  
BB chirped as she passed letting her know that the power grid was ready to go. Dropping her things first in the kitchen and then her room, she headed for the back area that the generator lived in. the solar lights she had set up were still glowing happily so she could easily pick out the control console she needed. She soon had the machine happily humming and with another flick the lights around her flickered to life. With a smile she and a thank you to BB who chirped happily back she headed back towards her room. Rey knew she should eat but she just hadn’t had an appetite lately and she knew why but she tried so hard not to think about.  
Arranging her blankets, she then stripped out of her clothing and stepping into the fresher just of the room. She didn’t linger, her muscles aching slightly from all of the work she had done that day. Once she was sure she had cleaned her body enough that it wouldn’t contaminate her bed she headed straight for her nest and sank into the warm pile. She pulled the plushest and heaviest blanket up over herself and turned the lights down low before she laid her head down on her pillow. Rey had never been afraid of the dark, even when she grew up hearing some of the worst horrors in the night, but lately she just couldn’t bring herself to sit in the complete darkness.  
As her body began to settle, the muscles in her legs uncramping and her back singing with happiness at how soft her mattress was, her thoughts began to tumble. She was used to it now, how her mind would start to bounce from one thought to another as her body relaxed and she could no longer distract herself. The pain of losing not one but two masters was a raw nerve that pulsed in the back of her mind but that wasn’t the worst of it. She constantly found herself reaching for him, the need to touch his mind an instinct that she just couldn’t silence. But there was nothing at the end of their tether anymore. Every time that realisation washed over her pain crashed over skin like it was on fire.  
She’d cried every night as she finally passed into sleep, her heart aching at what she had lost. Rey knew deep in her heart that Ben had been the other piece of her soul, that if Palpatine had truly died when the universe thought he had, they would have found each other. Maybe they would have become friends at Luke’s academy, learned about the force together and realised their bond in a good way. the smile he had given her in those last moments before she kissed him, the pure love, it haunted her. She knew her life should have been wrapped in that love and now that it was gone she felt like she was missing an essential part of her soul.  
Closing her eyes tight she breathed deeply centring her mind as much as she could. Part of her wanted to reach into the force, to sink into the power that had both given and taken so much from her. She wanted to search for him there, knew that he would have been accepted like his mother and uncle, like his grandfather had been. But she was too scared, scared of what it would feel like to brush up against him again and not truly have him with her.  
Finally, a sob escaped her throat and she gave herself over to the bone deep loneliness that permeated her being. She knew she could have been with Rose, Finn and Poe at that moment. That they would have given her anything she asked for or needed, but they weren’t who she wanted. Everyone she wanted were gone, their echoes in the force a tease that made her ache. Rey only allowed these moments in the dim light, in the comfort of her bed, anything more and she would have broken.  
It took time but the sobs finally subsided and her body succumbed to the need for rest, her tired body and mind finally giving in. as she was falling into the night world she heard BB chirp at her side and she couldn’t help but be thankful that she wasn’t completely alone.

_______________________________________________________________________

Opening her eyes she couldn’t believe the riot of colours around her. Reaching out a tentative hand she ran it along the closest hanging plant, marvelling at the silk of the bright purple blooms that swayed in a soft breeze that kissed along her skin. She cast her eyes around at the water below the balcony that shimmered in the warm sunlight, beautiful but not so bright as to hurt her eyes as the sunlight had done on Jakku. A small part of her screamed that this wasn’t right, she had fallen asleep in a home below the sands, but she pushed that out of her mind. Rey wanted to sink into the warmth of her surrounds, the need for solace soul deep.  
Just then warm arms slid around her shoulders to pull her back against a hard body, their hands becoming bands across the top of her chest. It was a move that should have sent warning bells through her consciousness, instead she smiled and tilted her head to the side. She was rewarded with the feel of lips just behind her ear, breath tickling the fine hairs on her neck. Shivering she closed her eyes and savoured the feeling of safeness that swept over her. Rey wanted nothing more than to melt into his embrace, to never leave it again.  
“How’s the house coming?” he asked, his rumbling timbre rolling through her body as his chest seemed to vibrate with it.  
She couldn’t help feeling her toes curl and her breath hitch as she reached up to press her palm against the side of his neck. He was warm and solid to her touch, alive in this moment.  
“I think I got the sand out finally, honestly I don’t know how your uncle and his family dealt with it all the time,” she groused drawing a deep chuckle from him as he bent further over her.  
Turning slightly she met his chocolate gaze, the sunlight showing the golden flecks in his eyes in stark contrast to the last time she had gazed into these eyes.  
Rey moved in his arms then and he loosened his hold enough that she could turn and brace her palms against his chest, her fingers humming with the feel of his heartbeat under them. He was so solid and real that the realisation stabbed her in the heart and a sob hitched in her throat. His hands came up to cup her cheek as she finally broke eye contact with him, her lashes lowering and the cool fall of tears staining her cheeks.  
Before she could find any more words she felt him bend down to her, still so much taller than her, and then his lips were ghosting over hers. She felt the electricity of it zing through every cell of her body. Swallowing thickly as he made to move back, her hands shot up and into his hair locking him in place so that she could deepen the kiss and taste him along her tongue. His hair was cool as it slid over the backs of her hands, the strands soft and almost loving.  
She stepped closer to him so that as much of her body was pressed against his as his hands dropped and gripped her hips locking her in place. They devoured each other, a kiss that was hungry and desperate and nothing they had shared in reality. The only time she had been able to kiss him was in the last moment he had sacrificed everything for her. She had felt herself sliding away, felt the force welcoming her like an old friend, but he had pushed all of that away.  
It hadn’t been jarring, she hadn’t felt like she was giving something up. Instead her whole body had tingled with energy and love like she had never felt before. Of course once she realised what was happening, realised she was still within her body, she couldn’t have done anything but kiss him. Holding him she had felt her whole being slide into reality, one where she was no longer alone and the hole that had always wallowed in the bottom of her being was healed over. Then it had been snatched away, the loneliness thicker and more suffocating than ever before. She hadn’t even been left with a body to burn.  
Pulling back from the kiss as they both frantically tried to catch their breaths she starred into those rich eyes and felt her heart stutter. Why was her mind so cruel showing her things she would never have, reality starting to invade this small bubble of happiness.  
“Shhhh little love, don’t let it push in yet, tell me about the home your building. Did you get the generator working?” she founded at his words at first wondering how he could have known about what she did in the waking world, but then she realised if he was constructed from her mind of course he would know these things.  
He pulled back enough that he could lead her to the edge of the balcony to a love seat that was shadowed but still had a beautiful view of the luscious hills around them. She could hear the lapping of the water as it slid against the balcony supports, the sound happy and bubbly. She sank into the seat happily folding herself against his chest, one hand pressed just over his heart as he looped his arm over her shoulders pulling her in tightly.  
They sat for a moment and then she was telling him about her day as his other hand came up to slide along her cheek, down along her neck, playing over every piece of exposed skin. It was only then that she realised she was wearing a pale blue dress, so much more feminine that anything she had ever seen let alone worn. Her shoulders and arms were bare and he was taking the opportunity to map her skin with his touch. As she talked he pressed his lips against her hair and simply breathed her in savouring the feeling of her in his arms.  
When she fell quiet again Ben pulled back enough that he could tilt her chin up and look down into the depths of her eyes.  
“How are you really?” he asked and Rey felt her heart turn over.  
“Lonely,” she replied and he pressed his lips into a grim line before answering.  
He leant down so he could ghost a kiss over her lips before pulling back and placing his forehead against hers, “you don’t have to be.”  
She felt like this had been a conversation they’d had many times before, it itched at the back of her mind but she couldn’t grasp the threads.  
“I can’t Ben, all I want is you,” she replied, her voice cracking under all the emotion she felt.  
“You will always have me Rey, I love you,” he whispered before kissing her again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say that the feeling I'm getting from this story is that each chapter is going to jump forwards by at least a few weeks at a time....hope it doesn't get to confusing for you guys

Rey woke with her lips tingling and a memory of a dream slipping through her fingers. Her heart was racing as if she had been running but she just couldn’t seem to bring forth what she had been dreaming of. By the time she sat up and pushed her hands through the tangle of her hair it was gone completely her heartrate settling. The only thing she could bring out was that it had been a good dream, not one of the many nightmares that haunted her.

Pushing thoughts of dreams from her mind she slipped from bed and pulled on her usual attire before heading towards the kitchen and looking to make food. As she set about making her morning meal, she counted the rations she had left and knew she’d have to contact one of her friends for a supply run soon, knew they would drop everything to help her. She more than likely could have precured what she needed locally but she liked to have the excuse to call them. Pouring a steaming cup of caff, she headed out into the courtyard and found a seat in one of the still shadowed areas.

She still found it strange how Tatooine had called to her, had been the only place she had wanted to go after everything. Rey had wondered at why this sandy world would have called to her so much over the one she had grown up on, but then she never wanted to set foot of Jakku again. She also wasn’t stuck here, she could leave whenever she wanted for any reason and that settled her mind completely. She wasn’t beholden to anyone, instead she was safe here and connected to the only people she called family in life. Here Rey could adopt the name of the only people she had ever loved without anyone batting an eye. 

Wanting to stretch herself a little today so she didn’t go stir crazy she decided she’d take her speeder into Mos Eisley and get a few local things. She didn’t always like to be around people having spent the majority of her life alone, but sometimes she needed to touch base with the reality that was going on around her. Tatooine was still a rough planet, but nothing compared to how it had been under the Hutt’s control, the vacuum of power they had left being filled by locals rather that a syndicate. The spaceport no longer catered to the underbelly of the galaxy, instead it was a way port on the way to other stops and people came now because the cartels were gone.

Her decision made she went back to the kitchen to eat and clean up before she headed out. She took her pack with her and secured her staff to the side before she slung her leg over the machine and took off, her saber was in her pack where she could reach it if needed but hidden so not as to cause trouble. She left BB at home, not wanting the little droid risked out in the open even though she knew she was more than capable of getting him out of any trouble he got himself into, but she just wanted a peaceful day today.

When she arrived, she realised she had timed her adventure well, it was one of the market days and everything was already in full swing. It was loud, but in a light way the place full of laughter and life. She parked her speeder easily and paid the attendant who nodded to her as she walked away. Diving into the throng of people, Rey let them carry her this way and that since she didn’t have a particular need for anything. 

She stopped in front of a stall that was selling luscious looking blankets and decided to treat herself to one, a deep purple colour and thicker than any she had brought with her. Just pushing her hands into the material told her how warm she would feel wrapped up in it, and the woman who served her was all smiles as she bounced a baby on her hip.

Rey found herself enchanted by the little one who was playing with the beads draped around her mother’s neck. Jakku wasn’t somewhere people had children happily, many babies dying long before they reached their first year, but here was different. This colony had become a refuge for those displaced and needing safety so seeing children wasn’t an unusual site. With a smile she bargained to pick up her package later and left the stall thinking on picking up a few of the more perishable foodstuffs she might like. She even decided to indulge in some sweets that had been made by one of the newer inhabitants. 

Leia had seen fit to make sure no matter what Rey would be taken care of, and after things had settled somewhat Rey had been told about the funds that Leia had secreted away for her. The truth was that she could happily live off that for the rest of her life, but she wasn’t used to not working so she was considering starting up the moisture farm once again and possibly donating what she collected. There were still those that needed help and for the moment she wasn’t up to helping in larger ways.

Rey found herself wandering through the people for over three hours, simply soaking in the life around her and letting the happiness she could almost taste settle into her bones. It was her stomach grumbling at her that told her it was time to settle down for a moment. She found a camper that was selling spiced meats, that had set out tables under a large cover, and bought her food before sitting down. 

Scanning her eyes around the gathered masses as she ate, she didn’t fail to see people glancing at her and then quickly glancing away. There were whispers too that she could easily hear but paid no mind to. She was famous and there was nothing she could do about that fact, in fact at the moment the stories that spread about her meant people left her alone, most too scared of her force powers to get to close to her. Once again it was the children that broke all of those barriers.

Rey was licking the sweat juices off the meat she was eating off the side of her hand when she felt a tug at her leg. Looking down she found the bright warm brown eyes of a little boy looking up at her. He had midnight curls atop his head, and she could tell someone had tried to tame them with a piece of cloth over his forehead, but he had more than likely pulled it loose at some point. The combination of his eyes, hair and skin made her heart kick. He could have been Ben as a baby.

He smiled happily up at her, reaching out one little hand and she realised he was asking for some of her food. As a hungry child herself she couldn’t deny him this, carefully she broke one of the smaller pieces into manageable baby size and handed them down to him. He gave her a giggle in reply before turning on wobbly feet and retreating to where his mother was looking for him under the tables. She swept him up into his arms when she saw him, and he giggled with pure joy as she kissed over his cheeks admonishing him for running off once again. Rey looked away as the little boy pressed a greasy hand against his mother’s cheek pulling a laugh from the woman.

Being around so much life was suddenly a sour stone in her stomach as she looked around seeing more and more happy families. She had never wished for children of her own, instead simply wanting her own parents back. Now that she knew they had sacrificed themselves for her safety she had finally put that want to bed with other childish wishes. She also knew though that children weren’t on the cards for her, there was only one person she pictured when she thought of that kind of family now and he was gone. With a sigh she rose and headed to collect her small purchases before heading back to her speeder.

When she reached home, BB greeted her, and she smiled tiredly at him as she pulled the bundle from the back of her bike and slung it over her shoulder.

“What mischief have you gotten into while I was gone?” she asked as she strode down the steps and into the cooler surroundings. 

BB chirped at her and she laughed as she headed for the bedroom to place her new blanket out on her bed. That done she headed to the small dresser she had found in one of the other rooms and had pulled into the one she had claimed. Carefully she pulled a piece of carved glass from her inside pocket, the flower delicate and washed through with strands of purple. It had tickled at her mind like a memory when she had seen it, so she’d been unable to walk past the small artisan stall. She trailed her fingers over the cool glass before BB chirped and pulled her mind from the unknown.

“Ok, let’s go see what you have for me now,” she replied as BB turned and headed out of the room in front of her.

____________________________________________________________

Cool sheets moved over her body, the softest material she had ever felt as it slid across her naked skin and she couldn’t help but sigh happily. Heat wove its way across her abdomen then and she felt her breath hitch as she opened her eyes and saw the steal band of an arm locked over her hip, his hand disappearing into the froth of the gauzy material that was her blankets. 

Rey shivered as she felt lips on her neck and then out across her shoulder and she couldn’t help but arch into the touch when she felt his teeth tugging gently at the sensitive skin at the curve of her throat. He hummed happily at her response as the arm she had been laying on moved slightly so he could curve it around her. She couldn’t help the breathy moan that slipped from her lips as she felt him move his palm over her abdomen and push down, still over the covers, but they were so thin they might as well have not been there. She wanted to purr like a cat at the rough caress and the feel of his heated skin as he pressed her back against his chest.

“You taste like heaven,” he murmured as she turned her head enough that he could catch her lips in a searing kiss. 

She felt herself melt against him as he deepened the kiss, his tongue dancing along hers filling her with the primal taste of him. Quickly pulling back from the kiss she turned in his hold so that she was on her other side so she could see him. He was as naked as she was, the moles scattered across his skin marks begging for her lips to caress. She didn’t care that they were naked, this was Ben, who else would she share these moments with.

He was kissing her again as his hand clamped over her hip and he pulled her forward into his body. She had no choice but to hook her leg over his hip and then his hand was moving over her lower back to push her against him and she could feel just how happy he was by this new position.

“You are pure sin Rey,” he rumbled as his hand went to the back of her knee and suddenly she was on her back with him towering over her. 

Before she could say anything, he had her leg hitched over his hip again and with a swift hitch of his hip he plunged into her. She cried out in equal measures of pleasure and shock her hands darting to his shoulders to hold on.

“You know you can’t tease me, I have no self-control around you,” he growled as he lowered himself down onto his forearms so that she was being pressed into the bed by his weight.

She loved the feel of him as he surrounded her, her whole world taken up by the sight and smell of him.

“Rey,” he moaned deep before he kissed her as he worked his body in and out of hers languidly.

Rey spent longer in the fresher than ever before that morning, her muscles tight and refusing to do what she wanted. She felt like she’d run a marathon even though she had slept for nearly twelve hours. Yes, she’d worked hard the day before getting one of the moisture generators in working order, but it hadn’t really been that physically taxing just lots of little fiddly parts. But her body felt used and she really had no idea why, especially the ache between her thighs that had her rubbing them together.

It was only when BB chirped from the other room that she finally pulled herself from the fresher and wrapped a towel around herself. Her normal morning routine was thrown out completely so she headed for the kitchen to get a healthy dose of caff down her throat and hoped that would get her moving again. It was only when BB rolled over her foot for the third time that she realised he was trying to get her attention.

“What is it?” she grumbled, and he chirped his reply pulling her attention to the transmission console tucked into the corner.

It was then that she saw the indicator flashing letting her know she had a message. Placing the steaming cup of caff back on the counter she headed over to the console and pressed the button. Finn’s voice filled the room and she felt some of the tension in her body relax.

“Hey peanut, Poe promises we’ll be out your way in a few days so if there’s anything big you need let us know,” there was a pause as he seemed to shuffle around and then his voice was more muffled, “I’ve got a few essentials you asked for from Rose, she made me promise to make sure you had everything.”

She couldn’t help but laugh at the awkwardness in her friend’s voice, realising he had probably pulled his chair closer to the receiver to say the last part and she was still chuckling as she turned the message off and headed back to her drink. It was sometimes funny, but people really did forget she was a person with the same basic functions they had.

By the time the caff was gone with the mix of the silly message from Finn still running through her head she felt better than when she had climbed from the bed so she decided that the day wasn’t a complete write off and that she could probably fix a few of the parts she had scrounged around for a few days ago. It was only as BB chirped at her again that she remembered she was still in nothing but a towel and with another laugh she headed back to her room to change.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another jump in time, it's been a little over a year now since Exegol

Rey shaded her eyes as she watched the falcon come in for a landing her smile so wide it made her cheeks ache. She waited for the entrance platform to lower before she was moving across the sand and soon, she was being swept up by two of her closest friends, sandwiching her between them. She laughed brightly at their antics as she held them to her. It had been a little over four months since she had seen them both and the weight of that time washed off her shoulders instantly having them there.

Pulling back, she gave them another grin before ushering them forward and into her home. 

“Wow Rey you’ve done wonders with this place,” Poe breathed out as he dropped his pack next to the table, she had led them to.

“Thanks, it’s been hard work, but it’s also been what I needed,” she said as she turned to get them some drinks as the two sat at the table, pulling the plates she had laid out for them towards themselves.

She’d been on Tatooine just shy of a year now, the moisture farm finally operational and the people in Mos Eisley finally starting to get used to her presence. She had no plans to go anywhere else for the meantime, so she was glad this was working out, the first stable home she had found.

Settling onto a chair next to Finn she simply listened to their antics as they laughed over the stories, they relayed to her of everything that had been happening. The galaxy wasn’t perfect by any means but from what they were saying it seemed to have settled in a way it hadn’t been in a long time. It was nice to have the familiar voices around her and of course BB was happy to see Poe who was still moaning at Rey that the little droid had decided to accompany her to Tatooine. He gave her the same pouty look every time he brought it up, but she knew he was happy BB was with her.

Before they knew it, early evening had turned into night time and Rey happily laughed as they took their things and headed to the rooms they had stayed in before still bickering lightly with each other. As usual BB followed her around as she cleaned up and set everything to wash for the morning. Once she shut down the moisture collection units, she made her way to her own room, on the opposite side of the home. Sitting on the edge of the bed she felt a wave of sadness wash over her suddenly.

It was so wonderful when the boys visited, when Rose could come along as well, but at the back of her mind she always knew it was for a limited time. They would stay, laugh for a few nights, and then they’d be gone off to their lives again. Rey didn’t begrudge them any of it, as she knew she couldn’t follow them when they left. She was tied here now, and it was where she wanted to be, there were ripples in the force every now and then that told her she was exactly where she was meant to be, but that didn’t make the weight of it any easier.

With a sigh she stripped down and climbed between the sheets, pulling her favourite blanket up and around her shoulders. It didn’t take long for sleep to pull her under and when she opened her eyes again it was to find herself back on the balcony, she had seen no other time but in her dreams.

She could feel Ben pressed besides her, the warmth of his arm a band over her stomach and she realised she was sat up on some kind of daybed while he laid out next to her his arm draped over her body. The weight of it was so real, it anchored her as she breathed deeply and took in the fact that the sun was setting on their little nest, the stars starting to come out.

“I can hear you thinking hard,” he mumbled against her hip and she turned to see him looking up at her through his hair.

Reaching down she brushed the strands away from his face as he lifted himself onto his elbow and pressed his face into her hand. Every time she touched him here, she marvelled at how real he was, how the heat of him sank into her. He moved enough that he could press a kiss to her palm, and she felt the warmth of his breath over her skin.

“I’m not alone at the moment,” she said and watched as his warm eyes flicked up to her.

He smiled as he reached up and pressed his own palm against her cheek, cupping the whole right side of her jaw as he did. Sometimes she forgot how large he was until he made a move like this, until she remembered how much he dwarfed her, and she shivered at the realisation.

“I’m glad they’re there, you shouldn’t be alone so much Rey, you don’t need to,” she could hear the consternation in his words, but she closed her eyes resolute to ignore the frown painted across his lips.

Instead she allowed herself to slip lower onto the bed and move until she was laid underneath him, Ben moving to shelter her under his body as he rose up slightly. When she opened her eyes this time his face was hovering over her, his eyes scanning every inch of her. His lips were pressed tightly together as his dark eyes took in her serene face and eventually, he sighed as he leant over her to press a kiss to her forehead.

“I hate that you’re alone so much,” his lips were still pressed to her skin as he talked, “the thought of you alone makes me ache. You should be surrounded by people, by life,” he pulled back enough to see her eyes shining and he knew she was close to tears.

“But I’m not alone,” she whispered her voice thick and he nodded, no she wasn’t.

Leaning down he captured her lips and felt as her hands came up slide into his hair, her blunt nails scrapping over his scalp and he shivered at the feel as he deepened the kiss. Rey mewled in the back of her throat and he knew exactly where this was going, he burned with the need to claim her body, to feel her pressed against him.

Ben didn’t feel real when she wasn’t with him, he knew when she was awake, he slipped back into the void, and when she slipped into dreams, he was able to anchor against his mind. He also knew she didn’t completely understand that in these moments he was real, he was with her, and she was all the heaven he could ever need. 

He was aware that time had passed since Exegol, that months had passed while she was awake, but it felt only like moments to him. Skimming his hand over the smooth skin of her side she whimpered, and he moved to kiss her neck. In these moments he could feel his body, his thoughts his own for the first time in decades. He no longer had the dark whispers overlaying everything that he was, his own mind no longer pushed down until it was simply an echo.

Ben knew that Kylo was him, but he was also separate, and identity born of all the hate and darkness that had swamped a mind that had barely come into being. He knew here and now, he was Ben, the person he should have been without the machinations of the dark being of Palpatine. Here he was nothing but the light being he had wanted so desperately to be for Rey.

“Ben,” Rey moaned out as she arched her back pushing her body into his and he gave himself up to the need to claim her pushing at thoughts of anything else back.

After as they laid tangled together, he spread his palm over her hip and up to rest against her belly as she rested her head on his chest listening to the beat of his heart. He’d lost count of the times they had coupled, of how many times he had sank into her and gave her every inch of his body and soul. He knew if this was truly real, he would be watching her body grow round with his child by now, and the thought made his throat burn with need.

“Ben?” she questioned as she lifted her head and frowned up at him.

“I wish you weren’t alone Rey,” he said the double meaning lost on her completely and she leant up to kiss him and he felt his palm burn against her skin.  
____________________________________________________________

Rey woke with the echo of heat on her skin and slowly she slid her hand down her stomach and under her shirt feeling the skin there and realising it was hotter than the rest of her body. This time the dream wasn’t fading as it did normally. This time she wasn’t left with a simple impression of what her mind had conjured, but with vivid memories as if she had simply stepped into another room from what had happened. Ben had been so solid and real, and she felt hot tears slide over her cheeks as she closed her eyes tight and sobbed, turning her face into her pillow in the hopes that no one would hear her. 

When she finally pulled herself from her bed in the morning Rey felt more tired than she had in some time, like she hadn’t slept at all. Dragging herself from the bed with Ben’s phantom touches still on her skin physically hurt, but she wasn’t alone in her homestead now, she couldn’t just simply wallow in pain all day.

So, she slipped from her covers and headed to the fresher quickly. When she emerged, she pulled on her underwear and a pair of loose linen pants. Looking through her draws she eventually found a loose tunic and pulled it over her head not bothering with anything else, she slipped out of her room. 

As she headed towards to the kitchen, she could hear voices and knew Poe and Finn had risen before her, not a surprise since it had taken so much for her to get out of bed. When she slipped around the corner so she could see them they both turned and smiled, Poe holding up a cup of caff for her and she crossed to take it gratefully.

Sipping the drink slowly she sank onto a stool near the kitchen bar and turned to look at her friends who were frowning at her, “what?” she asked her voice a little gravelly.  
Poe cleared his throat is if to say something but turned around and busied himself with the eggs that he was making. Rey swung her eyes to Finn to see him frowning at her, his eyes scanning her face.

“Are you alright peanut?” his voice was gentle like he was talking to a child and she scowled.

“I didn’t sleep to well,” she said simply, and he nodded before he cast his eyes to Poe.

Something was being unsaid between the pair, but she didn’t care now, her mind still too full of everything that had happened in her dream world. Her skin still felt tight where he had touched her, her body singing from the feel of his lips and if she thought to hard about it, she could feel Ben’s body moving within hers.

Shuffling on her seat she cast her eyes down and sipped her caff again, the hot liquid hitting her stomach hard and she put the cup down unsure if its contents were doing any good or making her feel even sicker. 

Poe turned to her then and handed her a plate that she accepted with a thank you and picked up her fork, to simply push the food around her plate. She wanted to eat, could feel her stomach gnawing at itself, but she also didn’t trust that it wouldn’t simply come right back up again. once she managed to force a few bites down she put the fork down and turned to the boys who were staring at her once more.

“Will one of you spit it out please,” she said eventually, annoyance thick in her throat.

Poe sighed again and scrubbed his hand over his face, “we heard you calling out last night, it worried us,” she stilled as she instantly realised where this was going.

Finn reached out and took her limp hand from her lap and she turned her attention to him, “you were calling for Ben,” he said, and she could the restrained emotions in his voice.

Swallowing thickly, Rey pushed back the bile that was threatening to spill up her throat. How could she possibly explain to these two what was happening when she didn’t even totally understand it. 

After she had left Exegol and landed back at the resistance base, there had been celebrations aplenty that she had taken part of to some extent, but she had also not explained everything. The rebels knew that Ben had played some part in winning, but she just hadn’t been able to relive it then. None of them knew she had died, that she had slipped into an empty void and he had ripped her back at the cost of his own life. Closing her eyes, she could picture his smile, so pure and so full of love as they kissed, the press of his lips against her flipping her heart like nothing had before. When she opened them again Finn was frowning, and Poe had moved to stand next to him his arms crossed over his chest.  
How could she possibly explain how much Ben meant to her, that she loved him with every fibre of her existence, even if they had only had moments together. How could she possible explain to these men who only knew him as Kylo Ren, who only knew the pain he had caused in the galaxy, not that so much of it had been done at the hands of a twisted man that was her grandfather. No one knew her parentage but Ben, and she knew he hadn’t cared, that their shared twisted background was something else that bound them together.

With a sigh she rose to her feet, pushing her hands into her unbound hair, and for the first time wishing they weren’t there. This was too hard, and it was more than she could handle with her hold on reality so thin lately. Her tongue darted out to wet her bottom lip as she turned away from them and tried to centre her thoughts. She could feel the force quaking around her, knew if she let her grip slip even a little there could be an accident she couldn’t take back. Breathing deeply, she closed her eyes once more, but it didn’t help since Ben’s face in those last few moments flashed in front of her. His scar was gone, the mark she had given him, his lip had been split and a bruise was beginning to form, but he had never looked more beautiful. He had been wholly Ben then, Ren shatter to the winds.

Opening her eyes once more she turned back to them casting her eyes between them both and sighed.

“It’s hard to explain, and you’ll probably hate me in the end, but please remember this is completely out of my control,” Poe frowned but Finn nodded urging her one.

“Ben and I,” Poe’s frown deepened at the use of Ben’s name, but she pressed one, “we are, were, a dyad in the force. Once we stopped fighting it, we balanced each other completely, we were whole. Together we had enough power to stop the Emperor, without Ben I would have died,” she glossed over the fact that she had, unable to voice that yet, “and since he’d been gone…” she trailed off as pain lanced through her chest.

She looked down now unable to meet their gazes, to see the hurt in both of their eyes. She wasn’t stupid she knew Finn carried feelings for her that went above the level of friendship, but she could also never give him her heart, when Ben had claimed it so completely.

“Rey he was a monster,” Poe finally forced out and she sighed knowing this would be his reaction.

“It wasn’t Kylo that stood at my side, it wasn’t him who fought for everyone that day, it was Ben,” she looked up at him her eyes flashing with pain then and he was surprised at the vehemence she spoke with, “Ben was a boy that his family let down, Ben was a Jedi abandoned,” she could see Poe about to argue the man having knew Leia the longest but she pressed on, “what happened to him, the atrocities he went through at the hands of Snoke and Palpatine, it shattered his being so completely until all that was left was Kylo.”

Breathing deeply, she moved away as she scrubbed her hands over her face, angry now on behalf of a man who couldn’t defend himself, and who most would say didn’t deserve the defence.

“He had been battling for most of his life, battling a darkness that wanted to swallow him whole and never let go,” she turned back to them then wrapping her arms around her body trying to hold herself together, “but he fought it for me, he came back for me and now he’d gone. He’s gone, and our bond is like an open wound in my chest that won’t stop bleeding.”

“Rey,” Finn called as he stood but she stepped back holding her hand out to ward him off.

“I can’t explain because none of you know, he was there always, a feeling in my mind. He was a weight against my body, so I wasn’t alone, even before I realised it. He had always been there, even before everything that had happened on Jakku,” she cast her eyes around the room then trying to find purchase on anything to help her head to stop spinning, “he was the other half of my existence, we were forged in the Force to be one,” she could hear the tears in her voice and this time she didn’t fight them back, “my mind calls for him ever second, and the echo I get in return just tears at me.”

Silence filled the room then and she turned her head away as tears slid down her cheeks, she wanted nothing more than to crawl into her bed and sleep. To slip back into the world where he was real, where his hands could smooth the tears from her cheeks, and she could feel the weight of his body above hers. 

Just then warm arms wrapped around her body and she went stiff knowing they weren’t the arms she wanted. When she turned, she expected to find Finn but was surprised to find that it was Poe folding her into his arms, pulling her until she rested her head against his shoulder, and he could run his hand over her hair.

“We’re sorry Rey, I’m sorry,” he said, and she nodded as she pressed her face against his neck breathing deeply as hot tears fell against his skin.

She felt another set of arms wrap around her then and knew that Finn had joined them, he pressed his cheek against her hair and whispered softly to her letting her know that he wasn’t angry and that he cared so much for her. She sobbed once more and let them comfort her knowing it would never be enough.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well guys and girls its the middle of the night and I really shouldn't have written this chapter now but oh well. This is brought to you by procrastination (I have an essay draft to write and submit...but you know Ben sooooo) and way to much banana milk shake. So yeah hope you life, would love to hear what everyone is thinking about this story.

The boys had been gone for a week, they stayed for a few more days after her breakdown, but they had obligations that always pulled them away. Finn promised that he would make Rose come next time, and Rey knew it was because he didn’t know how to help, and he thought a woman would. Maybe Rose could, she’d suffered loss in her life as well, but no one could truly understand. No one alive knew the way Ben and she were connected and understood the full implications of it.

Sighing Rey pushed the hair from her face as she loaded the last of the containers onto her hover lift and turned to see BB trundling along the sand towards her. She’d tried to send the droid back with Poe, but he wouldn’t take it, and she wondered if he was using to droid to monitor her somehow. At this point she really didn’t care; the battle was starting to seep out of her body and she just didn’t have it in her to fight it anymore.

He chirped when he reached her, an admonishment for the fact that she was still out and had been for most of the day. The suns were sinking low on the horizon, but she knew she had another hour before it was completely dark. So instead of following BB like he was demanding she turned to the lift and pulled the tanks towards the makeshift storage area she had constructed. When she’d built the storage shed, she’d worried about bandits, but it seemed the rumours around her kept even the most hardened from troubling her. Rey didn’t need to watch to know BB had turned back to the house and now she really did wonder if the little droid was contacting Poe.

Since the two had left she’d been finding it harder and harder to go about her daily tasks. She’d stopped eating mostly, only really having one meal a day, but that didn’t matter much to her. On Jakku she had gone days without food, this meant nothing to her. The main problem she was facing at that point was that she couldn’t slip into a full sleep. Every time she seemed to reach her consciousness out for Ben, for the world she wanted to exist in, it seemed to crumble around her. She was becoming desperate now, her mind needing the contact that she didn’t even realise she was having until now. She knew from the moment she had lost him on Exegol she had been connecting with this dream state, that it helped sooth some of the raw edges of the bond being broken.

Pushing the lift into the storage room she thought about unloading it as she looked around at the tanks. So much fresh water, more than she could have dreamed of as a child in Jakku, but it didn’t move her like it used to. She hoisted on of the small containers from the lift and carried it with her as she left the room. 

BB was waiting for her at the steps leading down but she paid him no mind as she headed towards the kitchen area to drop off the new container. She thought about making something to eat, but just the thought of food turned her stomach, so she dismissed that idea. Instead she headed towards the bathroom and stopped at the foot of the large tub that gleamed at her in the artificial light. She’d never been anywhere that had enough water to warrant the use of a bath tub, but she had a feeling one of the dwellers here had enjoyed the luxury every now and then. She couldn’t picture Luke in this, but she wondered if his uncle had built it for his aunt. If she saw him again maybe she’d ask.

Setting the water to run she began stripping off her clothing. She’d pulled on a simple beige tunic and light cream pants today, her boots her favourite soft pair of brown leather that had moulded to her feet years ago. As she stripped down, she looked at the clothing, running the material through her fingers and thought about the fact that she could probably buy any style she wanted now. 

Rey didn’t see herself as a Jedi, nor as a Sith, she sat in a strange place between so she didn’t feel that she could wear anything tied to either side. Dumping her clothing in a heap on the floor she stripped off her breast band and her underwear and moved to dip her hand into the water. It was a little over body temperature, just on the hot enough side that she knew her skin would be pink when she left the water, but otherwise perfect. 

Sitting on the side of the tub she trailed her fingers through it as she waited for the water to reach a good enough level. Her mind wandered back to clothes and she couldn’t help but think of the things buried at the bottom of chest in her room. Rey had been left with nothing of Ben but the clothes he left behind and of course she had wrapped them carefully and brought them with her. She wasn’t sure why she had felt that urge, but she hadn’t fought it. So now his tunic, pants and boots were tucked into a satchel and stashed at the bottom of a chest that she kept a few of her favourite things. 

Rey had thought about patching the holes, washing the material and tucking it away clean, but that thought had sent electricity through her system. Every now and then she would cave and pull the tunic out, pressing her nose to the material. Of course, it smelled of ash and left her hands dirty, but beneath that she could catch the traces of Ben that had her heart skipping a beat. If she held it to her cheek just right, she could almost feel his hand once more. Every time she looked at the hole in the front, she thought of stabbing him and her body would shake as she forced herself to hold in the sobs. 

What would have happened if she hadn’t done that, hadn’t shown him how to heal? Would she still have died at Palpatine’s hand? Would Ben still have been able to find his way back to her without that last push? She liked to think he would have, that he would have still been with her in the end. She also knew that if she hadn’t shown it to him, he would likely be the one mourning her right now. She never wanted to cause him pain, but she had a feeling he would have been dealing with it better than she was.

Stirring from her thoughts she turned the water off and quickly slipped into the tub. She moved down until the water reached her chin and rested her hands on her stomach. Her fingers dug into the flesh where he had placed his hand over her, where he had fed his very essence into her to save her life and she screwed her eyes shut as a stab of pain bloomed in her chest. If he hadn’t saved her, if he had ended up dying anyway, would they have been together in the force? Would the dyad have followed them to the next life? She hated these questions, but she couldn’t quiet the nose in her mind any more than she could stop the feeling of bleeding from her chest even though there wasn’t any physical wound.

Rey sat in the water until it turned cold, time becoming nothing to her as the same thoughts tumbled over and over in her mind. Now she had the added images of Ben as he hovered over her, his body sinking into hers, and the feel of him around her. She pushed her fist into her mouth as more tears threatened to spill forth at the torture her own mind was putting her through.

Eventually she pulled herself from the bath, letting the water run out into a recycling system that would purify it and feed it back into the shower she usually used. Wrapping herself in a thick towel she left her other clothing in the bathroom and crossed to her room. Standing in the doorway she scanned her eyes around at the little trinkets she had begun to collect. There was life in this room, even if it was only a small show. Splashes of colour and her personality here and there, that anyone who truly knew her would have been able to see. 

None of it moved her in that moment though, and she found her feet carrying her over to the chest. Sinking to her knee she pushed the lid up, pushing the small things gathered over the satchel out of the way. she ran her hand over the smooth material before she opened it and delved her fingers in snagging the tunic that lay inside. Normally she would have simply looked at it, but tonight something was different. Rising she pushed the chest closed as she held the material up watching it unfold. 

The towel slipped from her body as she stood there her eyes scanning the material for something it couldn’t answer. Taking a deep breath, she pulled the material over her head and slid her hands along it as it settled against her thighs. It was soft against her skin, even though she knew she was undoing all the good the bath had done. Her fingers snagged at the hole as she ran it along them feeling the seared edges from her saber. Underneath she could feel her skin was cooling fast, the heat from the bath leaving her in record time. 

Turning she looked at her bed, the pillows she pilled on it, and the comforter and coverings all soft and welcoming. Suddenly she didn’t want to be near it and the sight almost made her angry. She had always sufficed with a pallet, with a small blanket and nothing more. Looking at the bed now made her heart ache, it was a place for a couple. Somewhere she would could have crawled into and been pulled into his arms as she settled against his chest to sleep. 

Pulling her favourite blanket off the top she left the room as she wrapped it around her shoulders. Heading for the small sitting area she turned the lights down low and sank into one of the seats. Once more she heard BB moving around the room, but she paid him no mind. Her fingers twisted in the material of Ben’s tunic, her hand going to that hole repeatedly as her mind tumbled with the what ifs.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Rey wasn’t sure when she had fallen asleep but when she opened her eyes this time she was stood on the edge of a large body of water and she wondered if it was the lake she always glimpsed.

“Rey,” his voice sounded equal parts relieved and desperate and she turned to see Ben striding towards her.

He was so strong, his muscles rippling in the dying light, his body whole and healthy. She felt a stab at her heart at that thought as she watched him. He was wearing almost the exact same thing he had the day he died, though this time the material was a soft cream and she wondered if this was the kind of thing a teenage Ben would have worn. She watched him approach her and felt her heart melt, her mind finally settling for the first time in a week.

When he reached her he wrapped her in his arms pulling her against him and bending so he could bury his face in her hair. She pressed her face into his tunic, her fingers going up to the small patch of skin just below his collarbone that she could touch. He was warm and alive and smelled like those glimpses she could catch from his ash strewn tunic. She tried to remember a time when smell had been part of her dreams, when things had felt this real, but she couldn’t recall, and she wondered if it was some trick of the force connection.

When he pulled back, she looked up into his warm eyes, seeing the concern that marred his brow as his hand came up to cup her cheek, his thumb running over her skin. She knew she was starring but she felt like this was the first time truly seeing him. She could remember the other dreams now, knew everything they had shared in this world her mind had crafted, but she felt like this was the first time she was truly taking him in with all her mind. She didn’t want to spoil the moment, but she could feel the tears burning in the back of her eyes and when she blinked, they spilled across her cheeks.

She closed her eyes tight as he whispered her name and bent down as he tilted her head back. His lips collided against hers softly at first, but she took over the kiss almost instantly and it became desperate, everything she was feeling spilling into it. They kissed desperately for a few moments until Ben pulled back panting slightly, a smile pulling at the corner of his lips.

“What is it?” he asked, and the baritone of his voice washed over her skin.

“I miss you,” she sobbed out and watched as the smile slipped from his lips, sadness deepening in his eyes.

“I know, I’m sorry,” he said, and he tried to kiss her again.

Instead she stepped back as she scrubbed her hand over her face feeling anger rising in her for the first time here. She had only ever felt light in his presence, his image pushing back the sorrow that was deeply rooted in her soul now. Looking up at his face, seeing the worry and the puzzlement she wanted to scream. Her mind had built him from everything she had wanted with Ben, but would he have cared like this, would her Ben have touched her the way he did. 

Reading her easily Ben swallowed thickly. He knew something had changed, knew it had been a while since she had been asleep and with him. This Rey wasn’t soft like she often was when she was here, she had brought the pain from the waking world with her and her edges were sharper than usual. His heart spiked and he wondered what had changed, why she was like this suddenly? He also wondered if she would believe him if he explained more of what was happening here, if he needed to make her see that he was in fact real.

Rey watched him as a multitude of emotions played across his face, everyone she could so easily read, and she realised she had never seen Ben like this in life. He had always had a singular mind, had always been purposeful in every move he made. She had never seen him unsure and it bit at her skin knowing she wouldn’t know what he would truly look like in these situations.

“This hurts to much,” she all but yelled and Ben made to move to her, but she held both her hands up to ward him off, “this is eating me alive. When I’m awake your side of the bond bleeds, it bleeds Ben and here you aren’t real.”

He was shocked at her admission, he hadn’t really thought of their bond while she was here since he could feel her in his mind the same as he always could. He hadn’t thought what it would be like for her when he slipped back into nothingness. Watching her as her whole body shook, her arms wrapped around herself as if she was trying to hold herself together, he couldn’t stand it anymore.

Rushing forward he ignored her protest and scooped her up, pulling her tightly against his body. Her body stiffened for a moment, but then she was melting against him her arms going around his neck as he lifted her off the floor, her face burying against his neck.

“This is torture,” she whimpered, and he bit his cheek so hard he could taste blood on his tongue.

Coaxing her until she lifted her face and looked at him, he starred into her eyes, willing her to see that his next words were all truth.

“You have to believe me Rey please,” he breathed out and she frowned, “you haven’t made me up. I am real, I am Ben.”

She puffed out a breath and he knew she wasn’t convinced, and he smiled despite himself.

“Do you know where we are?” he asked, and she frowned as she cast her eyes around.

“You don’t because you’ve never been here. I have, when I was young my mother brought me here. This was her birth mother’s home world, Naboo. This is the lake she lived next to, the house we’ve been in was hers. Padma’s things were held in trust after she passed, and once my mother proved who she was it was all given to her. She used to bring me here when she needed a retreat, it was the only place I ever went with just her, the only place I ever felt like just Ben.”

She gasped as she looked up at him her eyes widening, and he knew she believed him. Rey couldn’t have constructed this place, she didn’t know about it, didn’t know the planet or the connection he had to it. This had come all from him, right down to the last detail of the planets that flowered on the balcony. 

“I’m here Rey, I’m real,” she reached up then and pressed her hand against his cheek her the pads of her fingers pressing hard against him.

“How?” her voice was so quiet he might have missed it if it wasn’t for the fact that he was so attuned to her every breath.

Closing his eyes, he tried to still the turmoil in his gut, “I don’t know. I am Ben, I’m the man I wanted to be for you. When you aren’t here though, I don’t disappear but I’m not me totally. I can’t really explain but I know that it’s you that anchors me.”

When he looked at her, he could see the tears in her eyes once more and he ached that he had put them there.

“Ben,” she almost moaned and he smiled softly for her.

“It’s me Rey, I’m here,” she crushed herself against him then kissing him deeply and he took everything she gave.

He wasn’t surprised when her hands desperately reached for his tunic, the material tearing as she pulled it from his body. They quickly divested each other of their clothing, and Ben sank into her as they laid out along the hot sand on the banks of the lake.

Afterwards Ben pulled her so that Rey was basically laying on top of him as he reclined against the remnants of their clothing. She was running her hand over his chest, her fingers stopping every now and then as they pressed over his heart feeling the thrum under his skin.

“It’s getting harder Ben, so hard to exist without you,” she breathed out suddenly and he moved so he could look at her face.

He could see the shame in her face and wanted to wash it away, “I’m here Rey, no matter what this is, I’m still here.”

She sighed and scrubbed a hand over her face, “yeah but when I’m awake you aren’t. like I said, your side of the bond, it’s hard to explain but it feels like its bleeding. Every day I feel another piece of me slipping out of the bond. I’ve tried to temper it, tried to stop it, but I can’t. It’s like my soul looks for you and I have no control over it at all.”

His heart skipped a beat at her words and suddenly he was terrified for her. Opening his mind, he could see their bond, the millions of strands that tied them together anchoring each of them against the other. He didn’t know why he couldn’t see the break she was talking about, in this moment, in this space the bond was whole.

“I don’t think I was supposed to live without you,” she whispered suddenly, and his gut clenched.

“But you are Rey, you are alive,” he said his voice desperate and she turned sad eyes up to his face.

“But for how long.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno, I always picture these kinds of connections as being so deep that their bodies would see them as a part of their being. So if it was cut, wouldn't it be a wound, and if it's a wound that can't be treated wouldn't it fester and become worse with time....I don't know. I'm kinda along for the ride in this with you guys so hope you like.

**Author's Note:**

> Soooooo what do we think is going on? oh and apologies for how rough this is, I am literally uploading this at 2 in the morning after a typing frenzy!


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